HIDE your face (kyonomiko) wrote,
HIDE your face

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Late night depression

Let me be too long on my own, and it always happens, for some reason.
I don't know.. maybe it's just been reading about everyone else's A-kon reports, etc...

I did go to A-kon. I did have a good time... but there was so much that I didn't get to do that I SHOULD have done... A-kon was so much fun, but I have so many regrets.. reading about what everyone else did just makes me jealous for some weird reason... and it wasn't just Jess' posts about her experiences with Radio Wasabi. I'm not a fangirl, really.

It's just.. I don't know.

No matter how much I try to be a part of somthing larger, I'm always just a little fish... and I'm a little fish that never accomplishes somthing grand.
I never helped bring a band to to US...
I never really managed to gain any sort of notoriety with my scribbling...
And I certainly didn't get the chance to bond with someone from halfway around the world in unusual circumstances.
And while I love cosplay, I'm beginning to doubt if this is really "my thing."
I guess what I'm saying, yet again, is that I'm sick and tired of trying to find "my thing." Some people just seem to be cursed with never finding a place.
If I had half a mind to, I could clear out my LJ freind's list, and over half the users there would be off my list b/c I really don't feel like I can relate to them at all.. no matter how much I like them or wish I could fit with them.
There were quite a few of my LJ freinds at A-kon that I saw.. but I was just too shy to talk to. There were some out there that I recognized, but since we didn't talk on a regular basis, I was entirely too ashamed of myself to go and talk to them at all.
There were a few people I really wanted to meet, and others I really wanted to see again.. that I just never got to meet.
Someone I used to talk to on LJ from FLA of all places (who got me into Duel Jewel in the first place.. over a year ago at least)was supposed to be coming to A-kon.. but I didn't know what she looked like, or who she was. ah well.. she's never on LJ anymore anyway :(

I want to keep with the cosplay thing a while longer. We did pretty good at the J-rock cosplay event...
I'm glad that some people recognized the hard work I put into making that costume accurate... but I feel that if it wern't for a few things completely irrelevant to the costumes, we wouldn't have done as well as we did.

I guess I feel partly out of place (with what I'm currently doing)because it's hard being a costumer that isn't really.. well, cute. It doesn't matter how cute the costumes are.. or how well-constructed they are, or how accurate they are.. or even how well you wear them. If you're not cute, no one really gives a crap.

Self esteem is feeling good about yourself. I feel good about myself when I can say that I feel like I'm the best at what I do. I don't really have a thing to do, though.. and what I do.. I don't feel I am the best with. I suppose in a way, I'm a lot more competative than I'd like to be.. because I can't seem to be happy being mediocre. People say that's a good quality.. because it forces you to strive to be better. But what if you can't get better? What if you're constantly striving for somthing you can NEVER touch... somthing you feel you can NEVER reach?

Oh well...
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