I've been so stressed out lately. I keep attempting all-nighters to get things done, but I fail miserably. I don't get everything done, I don't finish, I fall asleep while working.. and I don't get enough sleep. It all causes me to be even more stressed out.. and I didn't think that was possible. I do have free time.. but I spend almost all of it with Paper Wings working on costumes. It's fun.. but some nights I don't feel like I've gotten anything done.. and it bothers me. Everything is sucking so much right now.. I need to feel like I'm getting SOMTHING done, or it'll kill me.
I've had this huge hiatus this last half of the semester from nearly everyone.. but I don't really think anyone's noticed. I probably wouldn't even be talking to Paper Wings right now if I wasn't so dependant on Makoto for a ride to work on the weeks M-chan is working.
I got Fri-Sat off this coming weekend. Not THIS weekend, but the weekend after that... for a freind's wedding. I don't know what to do, though, b/c the fiancee and I don't get along well AT ALL. and I don't think we RSVPed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Now, the important stuff............
I've been so incredibly frustrated lately. IT's all this stress... but now, more than ever, I feel like I'm trapped. Not just in school and work, etc.. but I feel like I'm trapped in my own body. I feel as if there were somthing far greater trying to get out.. straining against myself and bursting to get out. Sometimes when I was young and uncorruped and unattached to life, I'd sit and think about who I REALLY was and what my consciousness in this shell of a body ment, and I'd feel myself floating away. It was almost as if inside my body there was an infinite space, and I myself was sloughing off my body and dissolving into myself.. but it wasn't myself. It was somthing else. Imagine a baloon, covered in paper mache. The paper mache is thick, and protects the balloon, but also dulls it's response to the outside. What is inside the baloon? It is full, but it holds emptiness. Now, imagine poking a small hole in the balloon. It doesn't pop, but instead peels itself off the inner walls of the paper mache and curls up inside itself. I used to feel this was me. In some ways.. I feel it explains why I'm so drawn to Japan.. because these ways I feel, I've learned, are much like eastern religions like Hinduism and Buddhism. Though.. I doubt I could commit myself to either of them.. it does help me explain my inner feelings more...
I just feel like I have this incredible ammount of potential to be somthing great.. but that I'm trapped and unable to realize it. I still feel very lost sometimes.. like I'm looking for the thing I'm good at. I feel like it's an endless search.. I'm perpetually trying to find the thing I excel at.. so I can realize my potential. It wasn't Oboe.. it wasn't Bass.. it wasn't art, and it wasn't painting. I'm not too sure it's cosplay.. and I don't think it's cel-collecting, because collecting does not have to do with any ammount of skill or talent at all. For a while, I felt I had a temporary safehaven in J-rock... but that Elysium has been broken. I've been in the world too long to connect with that feeling I knew when I was a child.. and I was always too afraid to find out what was on the other side of myself when I was younger. When I'd put myself in that state of mind to dissolve, I was always too afraid of the next step.. of what would happen if I completely let go.. that after a while, I couldn't get there again. At first, it wasn't anything I really thought about. I was distracted by life. Sometimes I'd become sad or depressed for some unknown reason, but always, life came back to distract me. It kills me to think sometimes that I perhaps could have trancended this reality had I lost my fear.. if that indeed was what that was. I wonder if I'd blown my good karma and become taken up in life again only to perpetuate this cycle of reincarnation.. if that is what truly happens.
Or.. perhaps this is just the sick delusion of a spoiled, white, middle-class girl with too good a life. Maybe not having any major crisis in my life has made me bored.. made me tired of living without strife, and made me imagine somthing greater to trick myself into beleiving that my mediochre, normal life is tolerable.