HIDE your face (kyonomiko) wrote,
HIDE your face

What have I been up to?

After NDK (and nearly finishing everything in time for it, too!) I came home and took a very short break before going to ACL Festival down in Austin. I had a great time, and the artists were all awesome. I went on Weekend 1, and didn't get flooded out. I did, however, flood out my liver on Friday making the rest of the weekend interesting. I mean, pretty much everything about that weekend was interesting since I'd taken a Greyhound bus to Austin, but hey! Everyone should take a greyhound someplace at least once. I did this because Ray and I planned a trip up to Dallas immediately after to go to the State Fair, and I didn't really think it was necessary to bring my car down and have two cars come up.

Anyway, I did the fair thing too, yay.

After that, I thought about how I needed to prep for last week's Halloween party and procrastinated for a few weeks. I farted out a mediocre costume in three days, and it all went ok. I had fun at the party. Hooray! I'm pretty wiped out now, though, and I'm having a hell of a time trying to be motivated with the whole weight loss thing. I've gained back some weight. Not a world-ending amount, but it eventually could be if I can't get things back under control. My lack of progress is entirely my fault. I know I am eating too much, so there's absolutely no mystery as to why I'm having trouble. The frustrating part is that I'm having trouble caring. I always feel like I'm going to be "the fat friend" no matter what I do, because my "goal" weight is still heavier than pretty much... all my friends! The worst part is that I don't have the confidence in myself anymore that I could even make it to that.

I've talked to a few (very few) people about the whole situation, and everyone is trying to be supportive, but their answers are frustrating. Most say I shouldn't stress about it because I've already done so well. Another person told me I should go volunteer at a shelter somewhere so I can get my head out of my own ass. Gee, thanks. ugh. But yeah, none of them are the "right" answer, and at this point I don't think there is one.

I'm to a point where I'm just so sick and tired of food. I'm tired of thinking about it all the time, wanting to eat the bad stuff, not getting hungry enough for the good stuff, stressing about trying to make things work when I'm out of town, stressing about trying to make it seem like no big deal at all when I'm out and about. I just wish I didn't get hungry or have to eat at all. Like, ever. I'm to a point where I'd give up all my favorite foods and my sense of taste if I just didn't have to eat anything anymore and never got hungry. It's all so.. ugh. Exhausting?

I dunno. At any rate, it's nice not to have any obligations. I'm trying hard to care about maybe going to conventions next year. I was seriously considering Ushicon, especially since I heard rumors that someone was asking the Colorado girls to guest or just come down or something? I don't know. I don't want to look at my sewing machine for like a year. I'm too burnt out. I can't keep up some crazy schedule of making a million things a year. And honestly, with as bummed as I've been feeling about my crap weight loss since July, I don't really feel like wearing anything either. As much fun as NDK was, it really discourages me from going to any other out-of-state conventions because the food situation was so bad. It's much better when I can drive and bring my own food. I felt like at NDK I didn't get to eat when I needed to eat, and ended up overeating when food was available because the situation was so crap. I kept finding myself in situations like that throughout the fall due to all the travel, though, and it's one of the contributing factors to me getting totally thrown off my game.

I'm still exercising, but it's not really doing anything for me because I'm eating back all my workout calories during the day. Boo. The whole thing is pretty depressing, so I guess I'll stop here.

Next year, I was considering Ushicon, A-kon, Animefest, and AWA. As of right now, I'm totally disinterested in all of them!! Maybe I'll feel differently next year. Ushicon wouldn't be too bad if I had someone to go with, but as it is, I'll have to drive myself and that really is a huge factor in me going. I have a lot to think about there. I wasn't particularly interested in doing A-kon again, but Tania was already reserving rooms, etc, so I figured I'd just get dragged along to whatever other cons she goes to in DFW or Austin.

Kefka was such a draining costume, I honestly don't have any passion for anything right now. It happens after every big costume I make so it shouldn't be surprising to anyone. I don't think I wanted to sew for an entire year after I finished Millenia, and that damned thing only got worn twice. Gogo, Tellah, and Arshtat were all the same, too. This year was like a double-whammy since I had to re-make a LOT of Arshtat to wear it to AnimeFEST this year, then I totally ruined the silk with bleach due to my ignorance. Thinking about that silk still makes me incredibly sad, and I can't even think about remaking it right now even though I'd wear it again.

I need to put away all the cosplay stuff for a while. The guest bedroom is a total wreck. There are costume parts everywhere from when I needed to empty the suitcase for ACL. I need to get everything put away, but the closet is completely packed. It means I need to throw some things away, and that's always incredibly difficult for me. I'm going to have to go through stuff and donate/toss some stuff. I hate having to do that... especially if it's something that hasn't gotten worn very often. There's just no more room, though. I'm tired of the house being so cluttered. I've been cleaning a little bit this past week, and it's been nice. I'm going to have to tackle that room eventually, though, and when I do, some things are getting thrown away.

I'm sure some of them will make me sad, and I won't want to get rid of them. Some of the ones I get rid of may make other people sad! Who knows! I just can't have crap lying around everywhere, though, so some stuff has got to go.

Well, I've rambled on for a good while, so now seems like a good stopping point. I have to figure out what I'm wearing to a Halloween party next weekend, and whether or not I'm actually doing anything this Thurs. I bought some candy for the trick or treaters in case I stay home. At this point, I'm more likely to turn the lights out and eat it all in one sitting. Things have gotten that bad! I'll do my best, though.


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