HIDE your face (kyonomiko) wrote,
HIDE your face

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Well, I'm definitely in a funk

I can't sit in denial any longer. I am in a total diet funk :P

Things have been falling apart for a long time. I pretty much had no slip ups until last fall, and it's just gone downhill from there. For a while over the holidays, I wasn't even lifting weights anymore. I've gotten back into the weight schedule, though, which is good. I figured if I could get back into doing that regularly, It'd be easier to get the food handled again.

It's been about a full year since I started. Last year about this time, I had the physical with the horrible bloodwork results. I was able to get my numbers back in a good place in a matter of months. I was motivated, and kicked it in the ass. After I reached that small goal, though, I worked towards larger goals. Eventually, a week away from home with bad eating habits messed me up, and it's felt like a struggle ever since. I was totally hosed during the holidays when I allowed myself to go nutzo on cookies and all sorts of unhealthy crap. It seems like since then, I've been trying to clean my fridge out of the bad stuff, and never quite getting there. I *am* buying things at the grocery store I shouldn't, but I find myself rationalizing it every time. Like this week, I made a huge pan of lasagna.

I've never made lasagna from scratch before. I skipped the hommade sauce and went for jarred sauce due to time constraints. I also bought lasagna noodles.. but everything else, I put together on my own. It turned out great, and I was really proud of it, but... it's a pan of lasagna! It was for Matt's birthday, but after we had some on his birthday, we still had a whole pan! So this week is lasagna leftover week. I told myself it was ok, because I'd never made it before, and it was for a birthday celebration. I should have found a way to make a smaller recipie, or cut down on the portions, but I made the whole thing, and now I'm drowning in foods I should be eating occassionally in small ammounts.

I think things slipped much more drastically when I decided I was getting kind of bored and started raiding again. I'm wondering what exactly it is about WoW that lends itself to bad eating habits on my part, and whether or not I can handle managing my eating habits a little better and continue to play. I may just have to quit for good if it is contributing towards my struggles to stay on course.

I feel a definite attitude change in myself though. It feels like I'm giving up on myself again because I've slipped backwards. I still haven't gained all that weight back, but if I keep going like this, I will have it all back in no time, and that's definitely not somthing I want.

Moreover, I just had blood drawn for my annual physical. Because of the bad results this year, he wanted to check up on me again. If it's bad this time, I don't think he's going to give me another chance to bring it down before putting me on medication, and that would be absolutely devestating. It's my own fault, really. In highschool, I would have laughed with disbelief if you had told me I would spend most of my early adulthood dealing with weight problems and subsequent self-esteem problems due to weight. I just never thought I'd have a problem with it. Sure, I had plenty of other reasons to hate myself, all mostly stemming from the fact that I was very uncool. But I got over that :P Now, I'm perfectly comfortable being a dork/geek/etc. I'm more frustrated than anything else that I can't dress and look the way that I want now that I finally have the personal freedom I wished I had in school.

I mean, I could sew anything cool I wanted, but I can't make it look that great on myself :P

I need to stop failing at life and food, seriously.
Tags: depression, diet, exercise, food


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