Remarkably, I've been able to stick with it.
There have been some really rough days where I just want to binge on junk food, or I really want that bowl of ice cream or handful of chocolates. On those days, I usually end up caving and having a little bit of somthing. The days of me grazing on unhealthy things throughout the day have ended, though. I've found that my body really does just like to snack throughout the day, and it's not worth punishing myself over it if I'm eating very small ammounts of healthy things. If I can keep my "meals" between 280-380 calories, I have plenty of room to have 20 cals of sugar free jello, or 2 plums, or an orange, or apple, or handful of chicken, a cheesestick, a small bowl of cottage cheese.. whatever! If I can keep the variety in the fridge, and keep coming back to the fruit instead of the candy, the cold teas instead of the sodas, etc, I should be in better shape.
Sometimes I find myself completely satisfied and NOT HUNGRY for a whole day.. for the first time in years! It's absolutely shocking to me.
I have also noticed that on those really bad days where I end up caving in and eating somthing unhealthy, I feel like binging on it. On those bad days, when I cave, I notice it's much harder to stop craving that junk once I get a taste of it.
Today, I made the mistake of putting some butter in some mashed potatoes I was making for lunch. Lunch was 1/2 chicken breast, pan seared with some lemon pepper and lime juice (one of my favorite ways to cook is quickly) along with about a cup of steamed brussel sprouts, and 3/4 cup mashed potatoes. Once I had those potatoes, I just wanted to eat the rest of them. I made enough for 3-4 servings throughout the week. I didn't eat the rest, but I WANTED to. And after I finished dinner, I wanted dessert immediately, and I wanted ice cream.
I had a skinny cow ice cream sandwich. They're 150 cal, made with skim milk, and overall not too bad for ice cream, but there were still a LOT better things I could have eaten. And I still wanted more.
When I realized my calorie overage just for lunch, though, it meant I had to cut out dinner, and supplement that with a lot of little healthy snacks to make sure my calories for the day were not too high XP I managed that with two more plums, a handful of chicken lunch meat, and this weirdass melon thing spread throughout the rest of the day.
And you know what? I'm doing ok.
I am almost afraid to be positive about this at all, because I'm so afraid of failing. I'm afraid that every time I manage to find a bit of courage or hope or willpower, I eventually fail again, and it's that much harder to try somthing new. I'm going on solid math, and attempting to work out a calorie deficit that should cause me to lose weight no matter what... but I'm still afraid of failing.
I hit the gym monday, lifted weights tues, missed the gym weds (but lifted weights instead), and lifted today also. Tomorrow I need to hit the gym and weigh myself. If I can lose even 3 lbs and keep it off, I'll be lighter than I've been in 2 years. Mostly because my weight has been consistantly the same for 2 years, but hey :X
I took lots of pictures of this weird melon so I could show it to everyone after I figure out which card reader works. It's called a Kiwano. It's also called a jelly melon. It's a relative of the cucumber. It's bright orange and spikey all over, and the inside is filled with green jelly-like sacs, suspending seeds in the middle. You cut it in half, scoop the sacs into a bowl, and suck them up through your teeth so that the seeds are seperated, and you can just spit them out. They are really bizzare. It took a good hour to eat, too XD
I immediately noticed that after I cut it open, it smelled a lot like a green (unripe) banana. The flavor was similar to that too. It didn't leave that bizzare starchy feeling in your mouth, though. It was tangy, but not too sour. It had the faintest hint of sweetness, and mostly just tasted like a green banana. Since I love greenish-bananas, I thought it was great. I think I'll stick to the bananas, though, because while they arn't as much fun, they don't take an hour to eat :P
I fully expect to put on some muscle from the SRS BSNS weight training I'm learning, and if I can keep with it I hope to become a fat burning machine. It's too soon to tell how things will go. If I had to take a stab at it, I'd have to say that my hunger/appetite problems on my bad days come from and improper 40/40/20 ratio that day. If I end up craving fat or whatever, I suppose I'll be more prone to wanting to binge on fatty foods, etc. That seems obvious, but I'm wondering if it's from just improper ratios overall.
Most of the time, I want to binge on fats/carbs. I wonder if this is because I wasn't getting enough protein, and I was craving those foods to make up the deficit in other ways.
Strangely, I found myself wanting oatmeal earlier today. Maybe I'll have that for breakfast tomorrow instead of my regular shredded wheat. I really love brown sugar on my oatmeal, though. I need to find a compromise. I don't think I can eat plain oatmeal :X