HIDE your face (kyonomiko) wrote,
HIDE your face
kyonomiko

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Natsu yasumi desu ka?

I've got some extra time since I'm done w/ Finals. I have soem errands to run tomorrow.. but that's about it. I'm thinking about making a new battlenet Diablo II character. I'll probably be Nekoyouma.. so come play with me, ne? I'll also be keeping some odd hours, I think. With no school to keep me on a diurnal pattern, I'll be slipping back to somthing nocturnal and more natural for me. In other words, I'll be waking up at 2 pm and staying up intil the sun rises. Sunrise is bad >..< I'll sleep then...
The only real drawback I can see to this right now is the fact that no one is awake at these hours. It just makes me lonlier... not that I haven't been lonely lately anyway. Everyone's gone, and nobody sticks around long enough to chat. We had some freinds over the other night.. They wanted to play network games on our computers. My Akuma shinzo took his, and I got kicked off by the other two people. It happened on 2 occasions.. Why didn't I do anything about it? Hell... I live here.. That may be one of the reasons I didn't do anything, though. When I was younger, I was always taught that if I own somthing, I should share because freinds only stay for a little while, and it stays in my possesion even when they're gone.. but.. I think it's a little mmore deeply-rooted than that. I think I let them walk all over me because I'm afraid that they'll leave otherwise. You may say that I shouldn't put up with those kinds of situations, and if they really were freinds.. it wouldn't matter, right? Are fake freinds better than no freinds at all? People need SOME form of interaction... That's one of my main reasons for being online so much. I know that even if I'm not talking to someone in person, I'm at least getting some sort of social interaction. Pathetic, isn't it? There have been rare occasions where I've actually spoken to some of my freinds on the phone. Masako.. you know I can count those individuals on one hand.. but conversation is nice. Does that make me selfish, though? If I'm spending money to speak to someone long-distance on the phone becasue I want the interaction.. Does that make me selfish? I don't know... Perhaps if they think that I'm spending money on them.. but that's not the way I see it. I guess I'm just selfish like that. When I call my mother this weekend for mother's day, and I want to talk to her, am I spending money on her, or am I spending money on myself because I want to talk to her? I suppose It's just how you look at it, ne? Why does everything have to be oriented around the self? It's so hard for a person to learn how to be any other way, but it hurts when you're betrayed, doesn't it? It hurts when you try to do somthing for someone else as opposed for yourself.. and you fail. I know my relationship with Akuma Shinzo is different from that... but that's special. Is it so wrong for me to want more selfless relationships? not romantic ones, mind you.. that's a completely different topic. This reminds me of a poem by Robert Browning called "My Last Dutchess" It's about a Duke with a descriminating eye for art. He's talking about a painting of his last dutchess with a guy that's going to hook him up with a new wife. He explains how his wife smiled upon everyone, and enjoyed freindly conversations. In one way, you could interprit it that she was sleeping around. I, however, beleive that she just loved people, and didn't discriminate. This drove him mad.. perhaps because he felt that he wasn't being treated specially as her husband... but in any case.. he has her killed. Killed because she smiled at the gardener and loved to ride a plain donkey, etc. She enjoyed the simpler things in life. But.. I can relate.. I want to try to treat people fairly, and have an open relationship with a small group of freinds. Is it wrong for me to want a close relationship with anyone other than my Akuma Shinzo, even if the others arn't romantic? This is taking society's solitary lifestyle too far. Sure, we've alienated ourselves from each other.. but does it have to be that way? I wish it didn't... But I keep getting burned for trying to live outside society's standards....
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