HIDE your face (kyonomiko) wrote,
HIDE your face

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Day 1, Month 2- 0 days missed

Today was weigh in day. I've been dreading it since last week. I've had a horribly bad week fighting with food, but all I can really do is just try a little harder to cook more and resist the urge to snack on unhealthy things.

The results of the weigh in were really dissappointing. I was trying to be realistic with my goal. I figured I woudln't lose any more than 5-7 lbs, and it would probably be less than that. I also figured that I would lose a few inches in various places.. or half an inch, etc, whatever. I expected a total loss of inches to be in a whole number range less than 4.

Unfortunately, none of my measurements really changed. I gained two pounds, and lost about an inch off my ass. If I had to choose a place to lose, I would pick my ass anyway, so I guess that's good news. I also figured my weight loss would be minimal because I'd be building muscle. I'm assuming I basically didn't lose any weight at all this month despite working out and eating healthier because I was packing on muscle. I didn't think I would gain weight from it. I guess I really hoped I would have more substantial physical proof that the massive effort I've been putting out to keep regular with this, remember my vitamin and calcium every day, etc. I am really having a hard time feeling confident about it, though. I've been drinking water instead of soft drinks.. I've been eating so much more raw food than I used to, etc. (not meat. lawl... Unprocessed fruits& veggies.. more steamed veggies... etc). For the first two weeks I had a pretty good habit of eating a peice of fruit or having some yogurt or somthing when I got the munchies, but my sleep schedule has been all over the place since then and I've started to snack a little more on bad things like croissants and gummi bears. I'm not binging on ice cream, though, at least. I really need to find some sort of discipline in the home. I do feel that I've made minimal progress, but it's not enough to help me EASILY keep my confidence.

To top things off, even though today was our weigh in day, my work out partner insists that hers isn't until next week. Our trainer had reminded us two weeks ago that our 1 month was coming up... and it's been one month My partner says her one month measurement day isn't for like another week. I tried to get her to do it because we both signed up on the same day, got our first initial measurement on the same day, and got set up on the tags on the same day. It just makes perfect sense to me that she gets measured with me on the same day. But today she was like 40 min late and refused to do the measurement thing after I'd told her I did it, and shared my less than ideal results. It's really disheartening that I suddenly feel that I don't really have a partner in this anymore. It's been really hard for someone as undisciplined as me to set to a regular schedule for 4 weeks and not procrastinate or try to move work out days later in the week, or anything else that I was famous for doing in college with my assignments.

I plan on going tomorrow like usual, though... But I don't really feel happy or excited about it :( I'm going because we have a 1 year contract and I'm hoping deep down that it will be worth it and I'm really actually doing somthing good for myself with tangible results, even if I'm not seeing any yet.

Matt says I have to be patient, and that's like the worst possible thing to say because I'm probably one of the laziest, least patient, most stubborn people you'll meet. I know he's trying to cheer me up, but the lazy part of me says "it's too much work to keep going and actually be SOMEPLACE at SOMETIME consistantly", the impatient part say "Why keep going when it really didn't seem to do anything for me?" and the stubborn part basically wants me to stubbornly give up if someone tells me to hang in there, just be be obnoxious and contrary.

I'm not going to quit, but it just doesn't feel that productive. I always go at it hardcore and come out feeling like I'm dying. Some days my muscles are a little sore, and I space my days out. I don't know. I kinda feel like I need a personal trainer here telling me how to live every minute to keep me from messing myself up. Oh, and did I mention that it really stings that my workout partner wouldn't even get measured with me again? Note that I didn't post my specs here, just the result.. but I told her *everything* :/
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