HIDE your face (kyonomiko) wrote,
HIDE your face

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Whiny navel-gazing bullshit

Today I checked out a local gym with Malophyte. We apparently checked out Gold's a year or two ago, but I totally thought I went by myself. My memory is seriously failing :P
I'm trying out a free week with them, and I'm seriously considering joining. I need to start making changes now if I want to look better by the time I'm 30.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't at least a little worried, though. I've been thinking over and over in my head

"What if I can't do it?"
"What if I can't stick with the program?"
"Am I going to be this fat for the rest of my life because I can't control myself?"

I don't know if I can do this. I know I've failed at bettering myself before, but all I can really do is keep trying. It gets frustrating, though, because I feel like a complete failure when I don't follow through. The only lifestyle choice I've actually been able to keep with has been to replace normal sodas with diet soda. I still have normal ones occassionally, but I don't feel addicted to them. I mostly drink diet, diet cold teas, and to a lesser extent.. water. Drinking diet soda really is just as bad for you, but I think it's a little better than normal soft drinks, and I see it as a stepping stone to healthier habits.

Speaking of "health"

That's another reason I feel so paranoid about failing this. So many of the hundreds of people I've listened to on the subject of weight loss insist that you're never going to lose weight if you're thinking about losing weight. They say unless you make the changes because you want to be healthier, (not lose weight) it'll never work.
I have a really hard time as seeing myself as a person worth the upkeep. I shower, brush my hair, brush my teeth, floss, scrape my tongue, shave (even if I never wear shorts or skirts anymore), wear perfumes and makeup.. and I have such a hard time forcing myself to do these things because I just think... "What's the point?"
I do them because other people will think I am disgusting if I don't. I have such a hard time caring about my on physical well being that I'm worried that I'm just doomed to fail at my latest attempt at not being a fatass. And then I worry some more that by even entertaining these thoughts for a second I'm cursing myself.

It's a vicious circle.

It gets kind of depressing, because I think about how I feel so alone in this struggle sometimes, but how certain family members I haven't seen in 1, 5, or 10 years feel perfectly natural saying directly to my face that I'm fat, I'm going to die early from being fat, and that I should stop being fat. I remember a time when I used to be happy with my body, too. And I still got lectures about how I should take care of myself, but I've never felt any sort of desire to do so. It's really hard to feel anything other than some random genetic sideshow freak when extended family I haven't seen in decades is telling me about how I should eat.
I was really not looking forward to my brother's wedding because I knew I was going to get lectured the whole time. I don't think this is how I should feel about my family, and it makes me feel bad.

As a side note.. personal hygiene.. wtf..I mean.. do people enjoy flossing? Flossing isn't very pleasant at all. And doing it for disease prevention.. why should I care if I lose all my teeth or I get some horrible terminal disease? XP

I feel excited about this gym stuff, but I'm worried it's just another one of my passing fancies.. where I obsess over it until I get it, and then lose interest. I worry that because I think I'll be happier when I'm thin, I'll just get there and be miserable for no good reason at all. I feel that way sometimes already, and I doubt I can solve any of my problems by reaching any of these short term goals. I don't really think I'll ever live up to the picture I had in my head of the kind of person I would be when I grew up. This is retardedly ironic, too, because I've never known what I've wanted to do with my life. I always wanted to look cool and mature and have a busy but productive and happy life, and I had absolutely no idea how to do that. It's like admiring some person you see on the street and saying for the rest of your life that you want to be an OL.

None of this really makes any sense to me because I love being lazy, and I love having things to hate.

I realize that I can probably reach a realistic weight goal by Animefest if I work hard at it. I plan to try, because it seems like every year since I started going to Animefest, I look at pictures of myself and think "goddamn, I need to lose weight" without really having any idea how to go about it.

I need to find a way to work out that I can stick with, and I think this gym can help.
I need to learn how to feed myself so that I won't get fat, but that I can eat pretty much whatever type of food I want. I have portion control problems, and I have no concepts of what a healthy, varied diet over the course of a month looks like. I can point at some veggies and say "This is healthy," or "This would be good steamed," But I can't eat steamed vegetables every day because I like variety too much. I think I have made progress in my eating habits over the years, which has essentially stopped my weight gain, but my difficulties controlling portions and snack cravings has kept me from losing through normal diet alone. And in this case, by diet, I mean everyday eating habits, not a regimented type diet-thing.
If I can put on some muscle mass and work on portion control, I might be able to drop some with the exercise. I don't know. XP

Ugh.. sorry. I'm just feeling whiny


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