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29 October 2006 @ 11:10 pm
Wow, NASA, huh?  
Myspace is evil. I'm convinced of it. Everytime I visit someone's myspace, I'm assaulted with their tastes in music, whether I want to listen to it or not. There are evil flashing things all over most of the pages, with pictures of people they know next to them.. and comments like "WOOT U RAWK" and "BFF"... I can't find the content in a myspace. There is no meat, and there are no potatoes.
It's like one page tries to cram the whole of your being into little seperate compartments to define you, and let freinds, family& strangers gawk at it with no real interaction.
It's like filling out a little quizzlet meme thing and telling people "Here is the one page that summs up the whole of my being in small, easy to digest nibblets"

Not that Livejournal is any better. You can customize it to have annoying flashing pictures, huge expansive photo backdrops, and all sorts of weird crap. I'm sure you can even code it to play annoying music other people can't turn off.

But not mine. Yes, my layout is spartan and boring. I don't expect this one journal to quantify my soul and display it in some easy to digest manner. I don't even pretend to be some deepy mysterious being. You read this long enough, you'll feel like you know me in person, even if you don't. You'll be spared the weird faces I make while we're talking, or any particular noises I make during interaction. You won't get the head tilts, akward glances, or any of those weird blinking things people might do. You just get to read what I want to say.

But it's not flashy enough, is it?

I don't understand why so many people have myspace pages and act like it's the best blogger on the face of the earth. I don't see why people delight in filling out the little compartments and filling each category with a slice of soul. Maybe the structure of it is what makes it seem shallow to me. I don't know.
Maybe I'm just secretly bitter that I don't feel enough people read this. What does it matter in the end?

Still, somthing weird happened today when I was just poking around. A guy I know shared a link of a marching band preformance he was in. I thought.. "Man.. youtube is great. I wonder if there happens to be a video of my old band on there..?"
I looked and looked, and could only find one clip of my highschool's marching band. A 2006 show.. edited with pretty bad music. (Rather.. dated music, and not the actual music the band played when marching)
I have to admit I was a little dissappointed, so I checked google videos.. Nothing.
Then I figured.. to hell with it. I'd just search google and see if anyone out there remembered teh 1995-1998 panther corps marching band. I mean.. If I devoted 4 years of my life to this machine, there has to be some evidence of it somewhere, right??

Back to myspace, and back to the devil.

I found the page of a girl who was in the band roughly the same years I was. I knew the crowd she hung out with. I couldn't for the life of me remember her instrument or her name. But her entire life was compartmentalized on the front page of her myspace. She looked like she was living the sort of adventurous life I wished I would be living.. back when I was in the marching band. I remember she was always quiet and shy back then. And she was going out and doing all sorts of interesting things with herself.. having the time of her life and looking much like I remembered her back then.

More flashing pictures.. more tacky comments and people proclaiming they were 'BFF YO GURL WHUZ UP," etc.

I found the page of a girl that played french horn. She was also quiet and shy, but she opened up and could be really loud and boisterous if she got to know you. She was always really smart. She and her sister were both valedictorians of their respective classes. One in mine, and I think she was the next year...
Anyway. Turns out she went to MIT. She also trained with NASA, and now works for them.
Funny that.

I mean.. all these people going off and doing things...

Sometimes I wish I was going off and doing things. But I'm also doing nothing and pretty happy doing that, too. I never wanted to be one of those ignorant homebodies that raised ignorant children. I feel I am educated.. and I don't want kids. But I'm still a homebody. I'm not going out and doing anything. And sometimes it's really frustrating, because I know I can go out and do anything.

But I've never really had any direction or drive. I throw myself headlong into somthing until it's over, and then stumble into somthing else, and ride that until it's gone. I did the highschool thing.. because that's what you do. I did the band thing.. because, well.. I didn't really have any freinds, and that's somthing to do. It's particularly great because they don't really give a shit if you have freinds or not. I did the college thing.. because, well.. That's what you do after highschool.

I was really seriously starting to freak out about what you are supposed to DO after college, but I ended up doing the marriage thing. And that works out well for me. But is this it? Is this the point where personal growth stops? Is this the thing I'm going to be doing for the rest of my life?

And I know some day.. one of us will die. And there will be somthing after that, and I don't know what it is, and it's scary. But until then, I'm still riding this. But I can't help but think I could be doing more. I just don't have the drive and I don't understand it.

Things arn't turning out like I thought they would. I don't have all these freinds.. I don't throw these great parties where people mingle and have fun, and in the end we're all interesting people that go back to their interesting lives. People don't show up to the things I throw. We're not all interesting, and I don't have an interesting life to go back to.

I love my husband very much. I don't want to be off doing somthing interesting without him.. but he doesn't have much drive to leave the house. We're both horribly lazy homebodies.. and the only time I get the drive to do anything, it's a self driven obsessive fad. It's never really anything unhealthy, but they're all just fleeting fancies.

At this point in this long ramble, it would be very easy to get grumpy and "emo" and say "But WTF do you all care?" and go on about how no one reads this crap, etcetcetc. ad nauseum.

I mean.. obviously the people that DO read this care. Even if only one or two of you has the stomach to make it to the end. So it wouldnt' be fair at all to say that.

Just sometimes.. it's very easy to feel alone and lost. I've never had it all figured out, so I can't be some lost soul who has suddenly lost direction. I mean, I'm already there. Want a guided tour? This is what it is like to not know what you want to do with yourself, but feel it.. sometimes painfully.. that you KNOW you could be doing more.
Read my journal. Know what I want to say without all my annoying mannerisms in the way, and you'll know what it's like to live day to day in a naive yet hedonistic way.. and do absolutely nothing productive.

Do I want to work for NASA? No...
Do I want to be some radio station employee that travels all over the place and follows the music? Sounds kind of fun.. but not particularly...

See? That's the problem. I could list a million things I *DON'T* really want to be doing, but I can't name a single thing I do.

It's really kind of frustrating.

I really kind of wish I could have found a video of one of my old marching band shows. I really poured a lot into that, you know? And I don't think I have any of it on tape anywhere. Man... I was skinny then too D:
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
Njallbukkr av Kaos: computerloki_sataere on October 30th, 2006 06:34 am (UTC)
Anyone who has an intersting life is either too busy to truly delight in it, or are lying.

I don't know if this is just due to my bias against the town, but maybe just being in Waco sucks any desire to do anything.

As for MySpace... it really is an easy way too keep up with several dozen bands at once. Plus, I've found and reconnected with more forgotten faces on there than any other means. But it really is horrible for personal representation.

BTW, lately I've been apologising to my LJ contacts for being so silent. I haven't had much to say. I work 5 days a week, and do school/homework the other two. So, sorry for the invisibility.
HIDE your facekyonomiko on October 30th, 2006 07:46 am (UTC)
Well, I just figured you did another massive purging when you moved to Dallas and stopped talking to everyone you talked to before you moved to Dallas. It's not like it's easy/convenient to keep up with people out of town. Most of the people I used to be close to don't live in Waco anymore, and it's hard for me to keep up with anyone at all. It's not a bad town to live in, but there's not much to do here and not much culture. I'm really glad I went to Houston for Body Worlds 3, but sometimes I think I shouldn't have to drive 4 hours for mental stimulation.
Njallbukkr av Kaosloki_sataere on October 30th, 2006 08:40 am (UTC)
No, there was no intentional purging or abandoning. I just have no time for being social. Right now I'm caught in one of my rare slow moments of amicable dialogue, taking a break from the mental fatigue of the last-minute frenetic writing for my English/comp class.
Celine: sadceline on October 30th, 2006 03:54 pm (UTC)
I don't understand myspace. It always seemed to me just to be a place to put slutty skanky pictures of yourself and befriend as many mutual slutty skanks as possible. Obviously I'm missing something.

I think I used to have a fairly interesting and exciting life and then I dropped out of school. That was a pretty big turning point and now all I do is go to work or sit at home. I can't meet a single person because that would involve going out and doing something that wasn't work. You have a wonderful relationship with your husband and that's awesome. I'll probably be single and lonely forever because I just have no way of meeting people, and I'm too boring and too much of a fuddyduddy anyway. And yet if it really bothered me *that* much, I'd go out and do something about it... right? Austin is an interesting and exciting place with many interesting and exciting young people yet I don't know any of them after living here for 2 years. I'm a real basket case. ;p

I don't think being a housewife seems like such a bad thing. I am working hard to become a front office manager of a hotel. Can you think of a more idiotic career? It's the sort of thing you can be an uneducated moron and do just fine at. So much for having a 4.0 in high school. I don't think most of us turn out the way we are expected to. My personal life goal at this point in time is to be FOM or at least AFOM for the Omni Fort Worth when it opens next year.
HIDE your facekyonomiko on October 30th, 2006 07:44 pm (UTC)
Our freind Nick would always say the same things about meeting people. Since he works with computers, and programs and all that, he works with a bunch of guys. He works long hours, then goes home and sleeps. When he was in Waco, we'd try and get him to come hang out as much as possible, because I really enjoyed hanging out with him.. but he'd always talk about how it was frustrating being alone, and really felt like he could never meet anyone because he never goes anywhere. Now he's in Denver with Becca& Lauren.. and I don't know if things have changed or not.
A dude I play WoW with was talking about quitting his job and going back to college just so he could meet people and try and find a girl.

Honestly, though.. I think that if I was in your position, I'd be exactly the same. You know I don't leave the house here as it stands. And I think maybe that's why I had trouble getting people over for the party this year. I just suck at keeping up with people, and I suck at keeping freinds I guess. I know I'm bad with it.

But I don't know. As wonderful as my husband is, he's not like the 1 be-all end-all person that completes me and keeps me from being lonely forever. I mean.. yes... and no. Freinds are important too. And he IS my best freind, and in a way I feel like he completes me and all that shit. But I still need freinds. I need other people to talk to also. But I kind of fail at the whole freinds thing. I mean, I usually only have 2-3 close freinds at any given time. And I was really lost when Becca& Lauren moved.. and then Nick moved. I mean, all the people I was close with took off to do other stuff, and I don't know where you go to meet more people. Like.. where is the freind store, where you can just go somewhere and hit it off with people right away? XP Gah.
Nerdy Temptressbevo on October 30th, 2006 05:02 pm (UTC)
I use myspace like a class reunion...without the having to explain what Im doing with my life....its nice.
HIDE your facekyonomiko on October 30th, 2006 07:48 pm (UTC)
I hated everything within a 100 mile radius of where I went to school :X lawl
I guess if I didn't absolutely hate the valley and everyone in it I would care more about keeping up with them... But the girl at NASA was actually one of the people I would hang out with. I almost want to make a myspace just to say hi, but I hate myspace, and she probably doesn't care, so fuck it XP
cosmicmonster on October 30th, 2006 07:57 pm (UTC)
I loathe myspace. I logged in this afternoon and decided I hate it more than I did this morning. What good is it networking if you can't comment without being on their friends list? I don't want to pressure anyone into adding me to their list just so I can say hi. What's your myspace address, btw? :D
HIDE your facekyonomiko on October 30th, 2006 09:18 pm (UTC)
I still don't have a myspace :X
I thought about signing up for one a few times, because I know a few people who will ONLY post shit on there, and ONLY post photos, etc on there.. and when they link to photos of things they've done recently, it's always on myspace. It pisses me off. I don't want a myspace, and I won't sign up for one, so I can't look at the photos or read the things people post. I guess it makes me seem like I'm really uncaring or whatever, but I'm not going to do it.
Leica 麗香pinkspider on October 31st, 2006 02:03 am (UTC)
"I don't understand myspace. It always seemed to me just to be a place to put slutty skanky pictures of yourself and befriend as many mutual slutty skanks as possible. Obviously I'm missing something."

Celine isn't missing anything. That pretty much sums up 92% of what's on MySpace.

Having said that, I did finally give in and make an account, after I discovered Yoshiki-sama was there. I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to leave him messages. :x