It's like one page tries to cram the whole of your being into little seperate compartments to define you, and let freinds, family& strangers gawk at it with no real interaction.
It's like filling out a little quizzlet meme thing and telling people "Here is the one page that summs up the whole of my being in small, easy to digest nibblets"
Not that Livejournal is any better. You can customize it to have annoying flashing pictures, huge expansive photo backdrops, and all sorts of weird crap. I'm sure you can even code it to play annoying music other people can't turn off.
But not mine. Yes, my layout is spartan and boring. I don't expect this one journal to quantify my soul and display it in some easy to digest manner. I don't even pretend to be some deepy mysterious being. You read this long enough, you'll feel like you know me in person, even if you don't. You'll be spared the weird faces I make while we're talking, or any particular noises I make during interaction. You won't get the head tilts, akward glances, or any of those weird blinking things people might do. You just get to read what I want to say.
But it's not flashy enough, is it?
I don't understand why so many people have myspace pages and act like it's the best blogger on the face of the earth. I don't see why people delight in filling out the little compartments and filling each category with a slice of soul. Maybe the structure of it is what makes it seem shallow to me. I don't know.
Maybe I'm just secretly bitter that I don't feel enough people read this. What does it matter in the end?
Still, somthing weird happened today when I was just poking around. A guy I know shared a link of a marching band preformance he was in. I thought.. "Man.. youtube is great. I wonder if there happens to be a video of my old band on there..?"
I looked and looked, and could only find one clip of my highschool's marching band. A 2006 show.. edited with pretty bad music. (Rather.. dated music, and not the actual music the band played when marching)
I have to admit I was a little dissappointed, so I checked google videos.. Nothing.
Then I figured.. to hell with it. I'd just search google and see if anyone out there remembered teh 1995-1998 panther corps marching band. I mean.. If I devoted 4 years of my life to this machine, there has to be some evidence of it somewhere, right??
Back to myspace, and back to the devil.
I found the page of a girl who was in the band roughly the same years I was. I knew the crowd she hung out with. I couldn't for the life of me remember her instrument or her name. But her entire life was compartmentalized on the front page of her myspace. She looked like she was living the sort of adventurous life I wished I would be living.. back when I was in the marching band. I remember she was always quiet and shy back then. And she was going out and doing all sorts of interesting things with herself.. having the time of her life and looking much like I remembered her back then.
More flashing pictures.. more tacky comments and people proclaiming they were 'BFF YO GURL WHUZ UP," etc.
I found the page of a girl that played french horn. She was also quiet and shy, but she opened up and could be really loud and boisterous if she got to know you. She was always really smart. She and her sister were both valedictorians of their respective classes. One in mine, and I think she was the next year...
Anyway. Turns out she went to MIT. She also trained with NASA, and now works for them.
I mean.. all these people going off and doing things...
Sometimes I wish I was going off and doing things. But I'm also doing nothing and pretty happy doing that, too. I never wanted to be one of those ignorant homebodies that raised ignorant children. I feel I am educated.. and I don't want kids. But I'm still a homebody. I'm not going out and doing anything. And sometimes it's really frustrating, because I know I can go out and do anything.
But I've never really had any direction or drive. I throw myself headlong into somthing until it's over, and then stumble into somthing else, and ride that until it's gone. I did the highschool thing.. because that's what you do. I did the band thing.. because, well.. I didn't really have any freinds, and that's somthing to do. It's particularly great because they don't really give a shit if you have freinds or not. I did the college thing.. because, well.. That's what you do after highschool.
I was really seriously starting to freak out about what you are supposed to DO after college, but I ended up doing the marriage thing. And that works out well for me. But is this it? Is this the point where personal growth stops? Is this the thing I'm going to be doing for the rest of my life?
And I know some day.. one of us will die. And there will be somthing after that, and I don't know what it is, and it's scary. But until then, I'm still riding this. But I can't help but think I could be doing more. I just don't have the drive and I don't understand it.
Things arn't turning out like I thought they would. I don't have all these freinds.. I don't throw these great parties where people mingle and have fun, and in the end we're all interesting people that go back to their interesting lives. People don't show up to the things I throw. We're not all interesting, and I don't have an interesting life to go back to.
I love my husband very much. I don't want to be off doing somthing interesting without him.. but he doesn't have much drive to leave the house. We're both horribly lazy homebodies.. and the only time I get the drive to do anything, it's a self driven obsessive fad. It's never really anything unhealthy, but they're all just fleeting fancies.
At this point in this long ramble, it would be very easy to get grumpy and "emo" and say "But WTF do you all care?" and go on about how no one reads this crap, etcetcetc. ad nauseum.
I mean.. obviously the people that DO read this care. Even if only one or two of you has the stomach to make it to the end. So it wouldnt' be fair at all to say that.
Just sometimes.. it's very easy to feel alone and lost. I've never had it all figured out, so I can't be some lost soul who has suddenly lost direction. I mean, I'm already there. Want a guided tour? This is what it is like to not know what you want to do with yourself, but feel it.. sometimes painfully.. that you KNOW you could be doing more.
Read my journal. Know what I want to say without all my annoying mannerisms in the way, and you'll know what it's like to live day to day in a naive yet hedonistic way.. and do absolutely nothing productive.
Do I want to work for NASA? No...
Do I want to be some radio station employee that travels all over the place and follows the music? Sounds kind of fun.. but not particularly...
See? That's the problem. I could list a million things I *DON'T* really want to be doing, but I can't name a single thing I do.
It's really kind of frustrating.
I really kind of wish I could have found a video of one of my old marching band shows. I really poured a lot into that, you know? And I don't think I have any of it on tape anywhere. Man... I was skinny then too D: