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21 June 2005 @ 01:09 am
I guess I haven't said anything in a while  
It's been a few days, journal-land, so I thought I would check in.

I haven't been up to much lately. Still cleaning a lot, still playing WoW a lot.

I've been doing weird maintenance things that you don't really think of or do that often. It's been nice. Last night, I scrubbed the fronts of the cabinets on one side of the kitchen. I'd like to scrub the others, because I didn't realize how dingy they had gotten. They didn't look horribly dingy, but I got a lot of crap off them!
Doing little things like this really makes the place look better, but it also makes me realize what a horrible wife I must have been these past two years.

I never really felt like I fit the traditional wife/mother role.. but look at my hobbies and the subcultures you could consider me a part of. We're geeks. I feel like I've never really grown up into the role that's expected of me. But I wouldn't really say that "wife" is a label I was expected to have anyway.

Not that people don't think I should get married..

I guess what I mean is that I know my parents want only the best for me, yet I feel like I've somehow failed in obtaining that best. I feel like I should have some sort of carreer. I feel like I'm supposed to be busy doing somthing that's obviously busy and important somewhere. Not nessesarily earth-moving, but the kind of job where you spend most of your life at work making money, paying off student loans, and buying expensive tiny cel phones.

To tell the truth, I've never had such ambition. And while even I feel like it's somthing I ought to be doing, it's nothing I want to do.
Come to think of it, I don't really want to do anything.
I don't have ambitions or dreams or lifelong goals that I can think of, and it's been this way as long as I can remember. When you are little, and people ask you what you want to be when you grow up, everyone seemed so sure they wanted to be a vet or whatever. I just make up stuff that sounded exciting, but didn't really plan on doing it :P

I don't dream of having a successful carrer.
I don't wish I had a small family with a white picket fence, some birds, and a dog. (Sorry, watched Pet Shop of Horrors a few nights ago with Malophyte. I always wondered why that girl's idea of a perfect family had to have the birds..)
I don't really have any want, need, or aspiration to make anything of myself.
In highschool, I went to college because it seemed like the next natural step. After college, there isn't really any next natural step. Everyone goes off and does somthing different. I had no idea what on earth I was going to do with myself. I figured I'd go along for the ride, see what happened, and hoped everything would turn out all right in the end like it always does. And it did. I met a wonderful guy, fell in love, and got married.

But when you get married.. you're supposed to have kids and do stuff. I don't really aspire to do any of that, and Akuma knows this. He just wants me to be happy. He says I can be as active or as inactive as I want. I don't have to have kids, and if I want to clean& play videogames all day, I can. IT seems perfect, and it's what I'd rather be doing, but deep down, I feel wrong. I feel like things arn't right, and I always feel like I'm forgetting somthing. I feel like I'm not doing somthing I should, or not acting the way I should, or filling the role I should. The thing is.. getting that successful job, or having those 2.5 kids isn't going to make me feel any better. I'd just be acting out the role I felt I was supposed to play, because that is what is expected of me.

The funny thing is... my Anthropology degree at Baylor has kind of been acking like my therapist. Cultural anthro teaches me why I'm uncomfortable and why things don't feel right. Anthropology strives to be unbiased, and what I've learned in school doesn't tell me I'm wrong for what I do or what I feel. It just states that I won't be accepted until I fit into one of those roles accepted roles. Woman. Wife. Then... Mother? Businesswoman? I'm a geek. I know I'm not alone. I know others relate. But I wonder why I don't have any ambitions. My parents taught me that I could do great things. That I should do great things, and I have the capacity for it. But why don't I want to?

Gah. I could go in circles like this for hours. Unfortunately, the Orkin man came early in the morning, and when I tried to go back to sleep, the postman came by to drop off our Amazon stuff and wake me up. :/
Current Mood: sleepysleepy
FOUR Minutes Hate!tekichi on June 21st, 2005 07:05 am (UTC)
Yeah, I relate. I'm like that to an extreme. My entire life is geared toward keeping myself amused. I dropped out of high school because it bored me. I dropped out of college because it bored me. My only ambition at the moment is to raise money to move to another part of the world to run a scam that will, hopefully, keep me amused for a few years. After that, I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do, other than move to yet another part of the world and run another scam to keep myself amused. After that, repeat until it kills me. That's all I have.

If nothing else, you have that. At least you're not me.

...Fuck, that sounded really fucking maudlin. For the record, this lifestyle really works for me. This is the sort of shit I'm built for. Leggy Starlitz is my fucking role model, man. I'm happy as a clam in heat, I just wish I was smart enough to move faster.
HIDE your facekyonomiko on June 21st, 2005 11:20 pm (UTC)
drama ho D:

But yeah. No ambitions... no real job goal, and that's ok with me. Sometimes I get really freaking bored, and wished I was doing somthing, but a 9-5 is NOT doing somthing. That's a sort of mindless droning that I think would just make things worse.
I guess in a sense, I work to amuse myself.. becuase I certainly get a kick out of all the fucktards in Waco. :P
I don't really have any hicks to gawk at right now, though, since I'm sitting at home doing the clean/Wow/Angst thing.:O

It really makes me wonder about the bigger picture. IS this a generation of apathetic anti-yuppies?
FOUR Minutes Hate!tekichi on June 22nd, 2005 07:40 am (UTC)
Yeah, err, sorry about that. Bourbon = angst sometimes, I guess.
fennelwink: road goes ever onfennelwink on June 21st, 2005 08:41 pm (UTC)
I know what you mean all too well. Geeks with lack of ambition, we should start a club. On second thought, no. It would probably end up full of those guys who live in their mom's basement for the rest of their lives. *shudder*

It's an irritating problem. The only reason I have a job is it's something to do that keeps me from vegging out all day. It's not really something I want to do. And as I look for a different job, it's difficult because there isn't something I really want to do. Heero tells me I should find something I enjoy doing. Now if I could just figure out what that is.

And while I'm thinking of it, how can you call yourself a Slytherin with your lack of ambition? Admit your true self, embrace the Hufflepuff!
HIDE your facekyonomiko on June 21st, 2005 11:18 pm (UTC)
Um... My ambition is to become the world's most renown couch potato?? D:

I work because I have school debt and lots of guilt. My husband works really hard to provide for the both of us. He works hard for this comfortable lifestyle we have, and though he tells me I don't nessesarily have to work, I'd feel guilty as hell if I didn't work to pay off the debts I made myself.

I'm having the same problem... Work doing somthing you enjoy..
That's why most peopel are miserable at work. Because you can't get paid to sit at home and play videogames, watch movies, and make weird shit on your sewing machine.

It's why I was thinking about commissions last year. I could make money sewing. Then, I realized that it wasn't so much the sewing that I loved, but the fact that I could make somthing with my own two hands, and enjoy wearing it and showing it to others. The sewing is a means to an end. So commission work is all the pain, with none of the reward. Especially when your customers don't know how to handle costume garments, or even dress themselves properly D:
Ringoapplcheeks on June 22nd, 2005 05:13 am (UTC)
I wouldn't say you have no ambition. You just don't have inspiration. -_-
What inspires you?
Run with it!

On another note, this show will make you feel better. ^_^ http://www.animesuki.com/series.php/574.html Best short show since Digi Charat!