HIDE your face (kyonomiko) wrote,
HIDE your face

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I guess I haven't said anything in a while

It's been a few days, journal-land, so I thought I would check in.

I haven't been up to much lately. Still cleaning a lot, still playing WoW a lot.

I've been doing weird maintenance things that you don't really think of or do that often. It's been nice. Last night, I scrubbed the fronts of the cabinets on one side of the kitchen. I'd like to scrub the others, because I didn't realize how dingy they had gotten. They didn't look horribly dingy, but I got a lot of crap off them!
Doing little things like this really makes the place look better, but it also makes me realize what a horrible wife I must have been these past two years.

I never really felt like I fit the traditional wife/mother role.. but look at my hobbies and the subcultures you could consider me a part of. We're geeks. I feel like I've never really grown up into the role that's expected of me. But I wouldn't really say that "wife" is a label I was expected to have anyway.

Not that people don't think I should get married..

I guess what I mean is that I know my parents want only the best for me, yet I feel like I've somehow failed in obtaining that best. I feel like I should have some sort of carreer. I feel like I'm supposed to be busy doing somthing that's obviously busy and important somewhere. Not nessesarily earth-moving, but the kind of job where you spend most of your life at work making money, paying off student loans, and buying expensive tiny cel phones.

To tell the truth, I've never had such ambition. And while even I feel like it's somthing I ought to be doing, it's nothing I want to do.
Come to think of it, I don't really want to do anything.
I don't have ambitions or dreams or lifelong goals that I can think of, and it's been this way as long as I can remember. When you are little, and people ask you what you want to be when you grow up, everyone seemed so sure they wanted to be a vet or whatever. I just make up stuff that sounded exciting, but didn't really plan on doing it :P

I don't dream of having a successful carrer.
I don't wish I had a small family with a white picket fence, some birds, and a dog. (Sorry, watched Pet Shop of Horrors a few nights ago with Malophyte. I always wondered why that girl's idea of a perfect family had to have the birds..)
I don't really have any want, need, or aspiration to make anything of myself.
In highschool, I went to college because it seemed like the next natural step. After college, there isn't really any next natural step. Everyone goes off and does somthing different. I had no idea what on earth I was going to do with myself. I figured I'd go along for the ride, see what happened, and hoped everything would turn out all right in the end like it always does. And it did. I met a wonderful guy, fell in love, and got married.

But when you get married.. you're supposed to have kids and do stuff. I don't really aspire to do any of that, and Akuma knows this. He just wants me to be happy. He says I can be as active or as inactive as I want. I don't have to have kids, and if I want to clean& play videogames all day, I can. IT seems perfect, and it's what I'd rather be doing, but deep down, I feel wrong. I feel like things arn't right, and I always feel like I'm forgetting somthing. I feel like I'm not doing somthing I should, or not acting the way I should, or filling the role I should. The thing is.. getting that successful job, or having those 2.5 kids isn't going to make me feel any better. I'd just be acting out the role I felt I was supposed to play, because that is what is expected of me.

The funny thing is... my Anthropology degree at Baylor has kind of been acking like my therapist. Cultural anthro teaches me why I'm uncomfortable and why things don't feel right. Anthropology strives to be unbiased, and what I've learned in school doesn't tell me I'm wrong for what I do or what I feel. It just states that I won't be accepted until I fit into one of those roles accepted roles. Woman. Wife. Then... Mother? Businesswoman? I'm a geek. I know I'm not alone. I know others relate. But I wonder why I don't have any ambitions. My parents taught me that I could do great things. That I should do great things, and I have the capacity for it. But why don't I want to?

Gah. I could go in circles like this for hours. Unfortunately, the Orkin man came early in the morning, and when I tried to go back to sleep, the postman came by to drop off our Amazon stuff and wake me up. :/


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