September 14th, 2009

Argilla (white background)

I feel groooosssss

I lifted today. I didn't finish my squat set because I was feeling really nauseous. I haven't lifted in about two weeks. I fell off my diet hardcore. I purposefully went off it the week before AFest because I was way too stressed to keep up with it, and keep slaving over that sewing machine as much as I did.

After Afest, I had no excuse. I just didn't do it. I got lazy. I had too many junk food leftovers from the con. I did bring healthy food to the convention, like carrot sticks and apples, but I only ate one or two apples during the trip, and didn't even touch the carrots. I brought healthy bread, and had sandwiches, but the death of me has been the piles and piles of leftover chips and fruit snacks. On top of that, I haven't been paying much attention to anything else I've eaten aside from breakfast. I'm doing breakfast right every day. After that, it goes to hell.

I got sick a few days ago and had to run to the doctor for some antibiotics, and I've just used that as another excuse. I feel gross. I feel sick. I don't feel like doing it.
But even though I'm still finishing my course of antibiotics, I feel way better, and I have no excuse now.
I asked Matt to badger me until I got it done today, and he did. That means the day after tomorrow, I need to do weights again. After a full week of being on track, if I can get the diet in line, I need to try to add some cardio with the bike for endurance and circulatory health.

It's really discouraging that I'm having such a hard time sticking to things this far in. I know it works, but I haven't been able to stick to it. The maddening thing for me, at least, is that it's not that hard to do. It's not too much to do. It's just a question of doing it, and somthing deep down inside is sabotoging myself again and again. I'm getting really frustrated, and I keep feeling like I'm on the brink of giving up. I don't want to do that, because I know if I give up, I'll crash hardcore, binge, gain a bunch of weight back, and hate myself even more. I can keep the weight off. I don't have to go back to the size I was before. I need some extra motivation from god knows where to progress further, though.

After the con, I can say I gained about a pound or two in my two weeks of absolutely negligant eating and no exercise.
Not major enough for me to freak out, and easy enough to drop if I can stay with the diet, but the question is.. can I?

I've gotten to the point where it's very tempting to rest on my laurels and take a "break," which I know will turn to indefinite binging and unhealthy eating. I was losing weight even when I did have 1 pizza day every month or two. That's moderation I can live with, but for some reason all I want right now are burgers and all sorts of crap. In my head, I know it's because my protein/carb ratio is out of whack, and I've been eating too many carbs and refined sugars, causing me to crave those fats and fatty proteins... but when I walk into the kitchen, it's so so so so so hard to get the brain to overwrite the stomach at that point when it comes to food choices.

I can't do what I'm doing now until I get to my target weight. The struggling I've been doing to stay within moderation is somthing I can live with when I'm maintaining. Not when I have so much further to go. :(

I did my weights today. Maybe I can get diet to fall into place tomorrow. Then weights again. Then weight loss again. I hope.
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