November 11th, 2008


Another measurement day!

Month 7. I don't have a perfect track record anymore. Aside from the week I missed with the roofers, I missed 3 days or so after I had my minor scalp surgery. I've also skipped a day or two since then.

I'd getting harder and harder to go back every time now. I essentially don't have a partner anymore since while she was initially very zealous about getting in shape, everything else has taken priority to a 30 min circuit at the old lady gym.

Matt says I should keep going because it's good for me, even though I'm not seeing results. I think he's thinking more about my long term health, and not my weight. I'm thinking about my weight, and I could care less about my long term health. I don't love myself enough to care about my health. I try to think of it more in terms of doing it for him so I'm around longer to keep him happy, I guess. I don't really care what happens to me one way or the other. I'm much more about instant gratification.

My results... were better than last month I guess.. barely. Still much worse than August, though. I'm not continuing to slide backwards, at least.. but I am stagnating, and that's one of the hardest things. I flat out skipped a day last week and it didnt' phase me at all. There's some sort of promo going on right now at the gym. It looked like there was a way to get 30 day trial memberships for other people. Maybe I'll look into signing up and see if I can get a different freind to go with me for a few weeks and get me back on track. I feel that all things considered, I've done really well for myself. I'm a lazy slacker. I never liked doing homework, and really didn't do much of it. Remember that instant gratification thing I was talking about? Yeah. I'd rather play videogames, or read, or ANYTHING if it was fun, and skip the stuff that wasn't fun. Unfortunately, this also caused a lot of stress for me in playing catch-up.. or just general shame, if you want to talk about my senior AP english course. Deep, deep shame.

Anyway... It's hard to make myself go to the gym when so many fun things to do are around the house. Even when I'm bored and should just GO, I end up finding somthing retarded on the internet to read that I wouldn't even normally be looking at if it wern't for the fact that I was trying so hard to procrastinate...

So really, 2-3 actual, deliberate skipped days are nothing in 114 total workouts. But it's hard not to let that number get any bigger. I really don't know how I'll pull through this week, but I have to keep trying. It's so frustrating. It feels pointless, and even more pointless to keep doing somthing that's no fun. I feel like I should just resign myself to the fact that I'm doing the best I've ever done at sticking to somthing and accomplishing somthing... and my best just isn't enough.

Today the trainer measuring me said that I'm doing really well for someone who isn't active and leads a very sedintary lifestyle, and that there's nothing more I can do without sticking to a diet. The best I can do? That's working out 4 days a week and not losing any weight! Wow! I'm awesome! I'm doing so well! I really wanted to slap her skinny ass, even though she's normally pretty nice. I'm not currently on a restrictive diet. I've been trying to meet with this dietician my Dr. set me up with, but it's been really hard. He referred me to someone he thought could help, but she isn't meeting one-on-one. She apparently runs a "class" that's one day a month at 7:45, no exceptions. It's always falling on Matt's work weeks, and it starts before he even gets off. I missed it last month because he took the wrong day off. I've rescheduled, but even if I do get out there, I really don't think she can help me. I'm going to be in some huge room with a lot of other people listening to things I already know. I want to keep an open mind about things, and I want to be able to listen to her without all these preconceptions of what the class will be. I'm going to try hard for that.

I really don't think there's any hope for me, though. I've been crying a lot more since I tried to lose weight than when I wasn't. Not that I didn't cry then for how horrible my body looks... But it's so hard to stay positive when I feel so hopeless.
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