April 7th, 2008

Arshtat determined

Today is the day

Today is my first day at the new gym. We checked it out last week, and they gave us a week free trial. We had to schedule our first day, though, because they wanted to make sure they had two trainers to help us learn all the machines. I feel pretty good about this. If I can keep it up, I can totally meet my short-term goal by Sept. Half of the battle is making sure we both get out 3 times a week. The other half is convincing myself to kick it into gear and either go more, or supplement my workout with free weights& bike at home. If I'm doing something at least 5 times a week, I think I will be in good shape.

Hell, I won't feel embarrassed at my physical next Jan if I can drop 40 lbs by then. I hate getting scolded and it feels like so much of my life so far has been full of scolding because I am lazy and unmotivated. Scolding totally doesn't motivate me. I just sit at home and feel a deep seated sense of shame and self loathing instead :X So let's avoid that and drop some weight :O

I decided a few months ago that I didn't want to get my tattoo until I'd reached a weight I was happy with, so it's just a little extra incentive to help me try to stay on track. The sad thing is, it was really hard for me to try to think of a good reward that wasn't food. I think part of my problem is being used to food rewards. I'm like an animal, but I think of it in terms of...
If I do X, what rare food can I eat?
In actuality, it's not really rare food, but stuff I don't get to eat that often that tastes really really good XD Like steaks, sushi, ice cream.. ooh.. a good rare one is the frozen custard from the local place on Valley Mills. We actually only get that a few times a year.

But.. you see what I mean? XP

Anyway.. I cleaned out the fridge& freezer and got rid of all the stuff that looked expired or disgusting and it's really pretty empty. I need to hit the store within the next day or two.. and that will be the real test. Can I make it out of the grocery store without buying a lot of extra junk? It'll be hard, since the house is out of food and I'll probably be going there hungry. lawl

Anyway, I'm strangely nervous about tomorrow.. it's probably because of my own personal trepidation about being able to actually DO this. I'm glad that you guys are there for me on this, and I fully expect you guys to yell at me if I fall off the horse. Makoto knows that sympathy doesn't really work on me because I eat it up and roll around feeling sorry for myself. But encouraging words and yelling at me if miss a few days will probably do wonders XD

It's a little scary, because I have to keep reminding myself that this is a lifelong change to a better body.. not something I can just do until I drop some weight and then forget about. Otherwise I'll just end up the same lardbeast I am now, afraid to visit my dad because of what he'll say about my weight next XP I really want to buckle down and do this and make the outside match the inside
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