June 23rd, 2001


(no subject)

Well.. I started a post a while back, and started getting really odd and incoherent for some strange reason, so I figured I'd get rid of it and start over. It's like one of those things where you start asking random questions, and after a while... nothing makes sense anymore.
I had another J-rock related dream today, but it was more realistic than the others.. well.. as realistic as they get at least...
I told Jess about it beacause she was in it.. but I'm too lazy to type everything out again. In essence, I was in a toy store and found some J-rock related merchandise (hide cosplay wig kit, hide keychains, Malice Mizer action Figures) and I saw Jess there. Some other odd random stuff happened, and that was about it. Hoody-hoo.
I didn't really explain this too much the last time I had a J-rock related dream.. but I do get depressed usually from them. My dreams are always so realistic that I end up feeling trapped when I wake up. It's as if I'm being shoved into a tiny black box with one solitary pinprick to try to see out of. Everything in my dreams are so vivid, they feel real. My worlds are completely different every time I dream, and while I don't actively participate in them, or attempt any aspect of lucid dreaming (at least, not that I'm aware of.. XD and isn't that the point? lol) I really do enjoy them. I enjoy being in a world where the rules are differnt, and where my life is different. That isn't to say that I'm unhappy with my life now. I'm very happy with it. But.. the fact remains that some things just can't happen to me. I can't see X live, and I can't meet hide or Kami, or any of the others that have passed on or the groups that have broken up. Death is a boundry that even my determination can't breach. I also don't expect to ever meet half the J-rockers I respect so much.. but because they are alive, and I am alive, it's a possibility. After all.. who wouldhave thought that I'd be having conversations with the ADV vice president and working on my little side project? I do beleive that anything can happen if I put my mind to it. That, I don't doubt. If I was really very determined to meet Yoshiki or Kyo or Mana or Kozi, I beleive I could. It's not likely, but it could happen.
I beleive that I could do a lot of things. There are so many limitations, though.. I beleive that many J-rockers would love to respond to each and every fan latter.. but it's not feasible.. no time, etc.. that and the fact that after a while.. you'd really get tired.. lol
But seriously...I feel that there's somthing greater out there. I suppose all I really want to do is do somthing.. anything.. that would make a big difference to me.. and someone else. I'd love to make freinds with someone like Kyo or Kozi or Mana.. one of the people I respect so much. I'd love to jsut sit there and talk to them like a normal person and forget all the fame, etc for a moment and find out what makes them tick. I suppose that isn't changing the world.. but I don't need to change the world. I just want to get away and get out and do somthing new.. make a difference somewhere.. I don't know..
I had everything thought out and written down here and finished a few minutes ago.. but when I pressed the button to update, it cleared my window for some reason.. kinda ticks me of... I had everything ready that I wanted to say..
Oh well.
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