June 14th, 2001


And yet...

Really.. What is it in human nature that causes us to never be satisfied? Are we left to always struggle to find somthing better? And what if you feel you have it all? I have everything I could hope for, but still, I feel like there is some greater calling for me and I can't shrug it off. I don't have any talent, really.. so I'm not destined to change the world. I'm a bum most of the time, and there isn't anything that inspires me to work hard. I can't find a single cause that inspires me to work for it.. struggle for it.. Nothing. I don't nessesarily despair in the fact that I'm completely uninspired. I don't regret the fact that I haven't really done anything with myself. I don't see any waste there.. perhaps that's why. Still.. I want somthing to make me special. That's why I'm a moron. I can't just choose somthing like anime and expect to be special because I've been an anime fan longer than most people I know. That becomes popular.. then what? I can't enjoy J-rock and expect that to define me. Inevitably.. J-rock is becoming popular, too. Then what? I can't brag that I've been a J-rock fan longer than anyone I know. That's just pretty damn stupid. Why would anyone want to brag about the fact that they had to live throught he deaths of some very talented people? I really think it's pointless for me to be proud of any of my hobbies. Especially my "art" Aside from the fact that I think I'm a mediocre "artist" at best.. I really don't feel like I've done anything that anyone ought to feel proud of.
Maybe that's why 1001 Nights makes me excited..
Then again.. I keep chosing obscure things to be proud of. Why do this if I want recognition? It's probably because if I choose somthing obscure, I don't have to try very hard to do anything with it...and then I can gather my praise without effort. It's all very shameful, really. However.. I also get the luxury of self-pity when no one knows what the hell I'm talking about. I suppose ever since I was younger, it was always about the pity.. self pity, pity from others.. It's just all fake love. When you're pitied, you can lull yourself into beleiving people care about you. For years, I've known this, and I do think I'm getting better about not manipulting people so much.. but it's always been a battle, because oftentimes I do it.. know I'm doing it, and feel powerless to do anything about it. Doshite? Doshiyou? ::sigh:: This is really an old topic to rant about.. and I'm probably just bringing it up to see what people have to say...Of course.. How many of you would have responded to this before I mentioned the fact that I was probably doing this for self-pity? And who will respond to it anyway, knowing that if no one responds, I'll just have another excuse to pity myself? You can't get out of it... that's my trap.... Whether I like it or not.
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