February 3rd, 2001



I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm not even sure I remember why anymore.
I've been meaning to post... but haven't felt like it... actually.. I want to, but I don't want to in equal proportion. Life is war.
I had this dream I've been meaning to tell you about for the past two days... I was at work, and my boss brought in some "decorations" for my side of the cafeteria. They were stone Gods. They wern't simply statues. They were ancient gods from all over who had somehow been trapped as stone. One of my supervisors had trapped them as such and had plans.. but I spotted one... I was drawn to one of the gods... and while Buddah and many other oriental and middle eastern holy dieties and others were trapped there... there was one who did not belong.. He was not a god, but had tremendous power. I can't describe it to well.. but the closest I can come is calling him an indescribably beautiful creature that seemed to have been sculpted by Ayami Kojima and had the powers properties and general essence of Amano's designs for Vampire hunter D( I don't remember who the author was..) But.. he was neither. I knew I could do somthing for him, and he for me.. So I freed him.(don't ask how) and offered myself to him in exchange for sharing his blood with me and making him one like himself. He then took me and ravaged my neck. I remember vividly being able to hear his thoughts at that time, and heard him revel in the experience, but at the same time be nauseated by it, and love it all the more because of it. It's hard to describe... in any case.. apparrently my pact with him had overthrown the balance of nature and I blacked out. When I woke up.. everything had changed. The world was different, and the only thing I could think of was re-joining the creature whom I was so attached to, and making things right. There were old gods whom I had opposed, and I was brazen rebellious inthe past... but in this new future, I had somehow changed. I was no longer in a malevolent mood towards nature. I searched the large cities of the new world and came across another old god. He had taken on a different form in this new time, and was underneath the city in a tunnel system with the derelicts. He was short and round with a blackened mouth and blind eyes that could see. We stared at each other for a moment, as if we were both contemplating whether or not to display hostility. I then reached out and shook his hand. We were warm towards each other, and I told him I was seaching for *him* For sake of a name, we'll just call him "D" for now. He told me that he hadn't seen D, but he, with the other gods now gave their consent and approval that I be with him. I continued searching. Wherever I found an old god, I found a small group of 4-6 "followers." They were freinds to hang out with, mostly. They themselves didn't even realize that they were drawn to the dieties. I continued searching. I never tired nor became despondant, but when I was in an import store similar to a Pier 1, looking at some exotic-scented items, I was wondering if my fruitless search was practical. Then, I saw *him* walk by with 4 others. He was the only ancient one among them, and he was dressed in modern clothing. he had a little bit of fashionable stubble (which normally I don't like, but it didn't detract from his beauty) and a pair of small round sunglasses. He was wearing boots and some tight pants. I don't remember his clothing too much other than the fact that he had a cowboy hat on ad an unlit cigarette in his lips. He had taken on a modern appearance. I walked up beside him and took his hand... He looked down over his shoulder and smiled, squeezing my hand. I can't remember what he said exactly, but I remember him being glad to see me, and releived that I'd found him. I woke up shortly thereafter, and remained in a dream-like haze of detachment for nearly the rest of the day, feeling very good... comforted.. almost if I had come home...
I often wonder what such things mean. I miss "him"
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