HIDE your face (kyonomiko) wrote,
HIDE your face
kyonomiko

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Throwing away the past

Today, I was inspired to try and work on my wedding scrapbook again. Everytime, I've kind of avoided it for various reasons. I don't really know how to scrapbook... I'm not sure what to put in there.. I'm not sure what to cut and what to paste.. and today, I don't have any glue XD
So.. I decided to look around the house and see if I can't find a bottle of elmer's.. or at least a glue stick. When I was in Kindergarten, I always had a problem with using too much paste. I didn't eat it. I just used way more than I needed.
So.. I started going through the obvious places... The hardware closet.. the hobby closet.. the mystery drawer. You know what I'm talking about. Every house has at least one of them. It's usually in a desk by a phone, and it's filled with odd things like washers, batteries, etc. There are always random post-it notes shoved in there to help you remember things you've already forgotten about. That sort of thing. And you can almost ALYWAYS remember seeing the thing you're looking for being in that drawer at least once.. but when you look, it's always gone. I figured I might find a gluestick there. Or a small bottle of glue. But there wasn't any.
So.. my next logical place to look was in the boxes of things from college. I have 2 odd-boxes filled with things from the dorm. They're pretty mcuh the hand-me-down boxes of keepsakes from highschool and earlier.. and the contents of my dorm-desk from college made it into one of them. I figured there had to be some glue in there SOMEWHERE.. unless, of course, I'd already thrown it away.
I didn't find any glue.. but I did find a lot of old stuff I'd been hanging onto. It always has this familiar old smell. I own nothing that smells like that, and the box always changes, but somehow everything in the box always smells the same throughout the years.
I kind of avoid the box, I guess. It's filled with memories, and it makes me uneasy.
I decided to sit down on the floor with a small plastic bag, and go through it to see if there was anything I wanted to throw away. I do this every few years. Lately, I've been trying to get rid of some of the extraneous stuff around the house.. and throw away things we don't use anymore. If it's still been in a box since I moved into this house.. it must not be that important, right?

The box is filled with all sorts of odds& ends. Things a kindergartener would find fascinating enough to hang on to.. and things an older person would find odd enough to sit and wonder about. There are differently-shaped erasers in there, and glow-in-the-dark lizards.. every medal I'd ever won from scholastic competition, and all of my band badges. There are invitations to my higschool graduation in there, as well as the invitation cards all seniors received at prom. There are also photos of people I was once interested in, and people I once dated... as well as letters from them, and letters from others. Most of all, though.. the box is filled with shame. I don't know why.. but my past is very shameful to me. Everything before college seems like a bad dream. Even then.. the first few years of college before I met Akuma, likewise, feel shameful. So.. I started to throw things away.
I threw away my old set sheets from marching band. They showed the places where everyone stood, when they had to move, and what direction to go in.

Marching band was a big part of my life in Highschool, and even though I can still remember the essential parts of my experiences those long summers, for some reason I felt compelled to hang onto old sheet music& set sheets. So, I threw those away.

Next to go were newspaper clippings.
The nature of these was a little different. My freshman year in college, I fell in love. I can safely say that all relationships I had before that one person was infatuation, and puppy love. There was a relationship I was in.. a long-distance relationship that lasted a year and a half.. but even then.. looking back, I knew it wasn't real. The young man I met in college... I felt that was real. He had his faults, and plenty of them.. but who doesn't? One cold November night, we went out into the middle of nowhere to go star gazing. I looked up into the sky.. and it was a meteor shower! I didn't know about it.. and he said he didn't.. and for me.. it was a magical night. I saved newspaper clippings about the meteor shower.. and put them in the box. Well... college boy had lots of issues, and it didn't work. When I met Akuma, I threw away the T-shirt I had that once belonged to college-boy (and still smelled like him) because I realized how stupid and pointless it was to hold onto it.. especially since I had someone new... who always quietly loved me in a way college boy never could. I don't know why I hung onto the newspaper clippings.. but they're gone now!

There are so many other things like that. I don't know why I keep them. They're not a testament to me, or who I am.. because the person I am now is different from the person I was then. The box holds a lot of shame for me.. and I throw away as much as I can.. but there are always things I end up holding on to. Since I met Akuma, though.. there hasn't really been anything new going into the box. Akuma and I are married 1 year (in Feb).. but we'd been dating for many years before that.. and not once did I feel compelled to hang onto somthing pointless and sentimental. I'm still not ready to throw it *all* away, yet. It's almost as if I need it to tell people who I was so they can better understand who I am.. but without me.. those random items don't mean anything.. they don't tell any sort of story..
I'll have to see how this scrapbooking project goes if I can ever find any glue. I might start a project to but together the things in the box. Maybe a scrapbook as a story to how I've grown... or at least why everything is so shameful. I don't know.
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