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29 March 2014 @ 09:13 am
Oh wow, I haven't blogged in forever!  
I kind of forget about Livejournal now. It feels so empty that I've joined a bunch of communities, but it's not really helping!

Since November, stuff has happened. Sound and fury, signifying nothing and all that.

The holidays with the family went well. They also went BADLY. Around that time, I started seriously struggling with sticking to my diet plans. I've put on some weight, and even that hasn't been without a fight. I've been fighting to try to keep my calories down, fighting demotivation for workouts, etcetc. Everything involving weight loss is going badly. I've put about 15lbs back on, and it's sat at about that for months. I thought things were getting better when I managed to ditch 4 of those, but I keep self-sabotaging so much it's not even funny.

So, as you can imagine, I've been pretty depressed about it all. Costumes that fit well last summer are uncomfortably tight now. I don't feel like I look good anymore, even though most people wouldn't even be able to tell that I put any weight back on. I'm fighting myself more than anything!

My husband has reduced his hours at work. That's great and all, but I have much much less time to myself than I am used to, and I feel like I'm cooking like 3x more than I used to. It's making food plans difficult, too. I haven't come up with a solution yet. I just feel like I'm struggling to keep my head above water right now. I'm everyone's "fat friend," and I feel like it's going to be that way forever. I'm still categorized as obese, but it's a little comforting to think that many other people don't see me that way. I'd still like to get down to being "just overweight" again, though. I really hate how this is all messing with my mood, but I just can't feel good about myself.

I tried going Low-carb for a while back in January. I thought that it might help me break my sugar cravings and get me eating less so that it'd be easier to go back to living life in moderation. Low carb really screwed with my personal biology, though. I was on it for 5 weeks. During that time, I had 2 extremely heavy, unscheduled periods. The hair along my front hairline started to fall out. I felt weak all the time, and never really got past feeling gross like you are supposed to. I tracked things RELIGIOUSLY, so I know my numbers were where they were supposed to be, and I was in ketosis. On paper, I was doing everything right, but it was really screwing with my body. I had to give it up. The upside is that it totally helped me get rid of a strange, raging case of toenail fungus that also appeared over the holidays.

After that, I tried going back to what I WAS doing, with exercise and reduced calories, but I've been self-sabotaging left and right and overeating every day. I'm struggling hard and I'm really depressed about it, and I'm in one of those situations where it seems like there is no solution and no way out. I'm still fighting, every day, but it's totally exhausting.

I've been working on trying to make new friends locally, but that's also difficult. I went to that Waco comic con, though, and that helped a LOT. I met a bunch of new people, and a few of them seem like they will be good friends. I even went on a day trip to Dallas with one of them last week! We hit up the fabric district for cosplay supplies. We had a good time!

Also at the comic con.. well... I wore Kefka, because it's the "big" costume I'm most proud of for now. I actually decided to compete! I thought that the competition couldn't be that bad for a local con, but I wasn't really expecting to get anywhere in the contest because it's a video game costume at a comic con. I actually won 2nd place! It netted me 100 bucks and x2 VIP passes for the next con....

....

...
.... which is in Sept.

They decided not to wait a whole year, and they're throwing a 3 day in Sept. I suppose I'd better start thinking about what I will wear now! I don't know if I'll just dig something else out of the closet, or make something new. I really want an actual comic book costume, but that is insanely difficult. I'm not talking just construction... Trying to find a female comic book character that is dressed in something I would actually wear myself is like.. IMPOSSIBLE. None of the heroes have my body type, and I don't think anyone wants to see my gross, chunky thighs in some super hero costume. I've been made fun of by strangers enough on the internet to last me for the rest of my life. So what about male characters? I'm thinking about it. I don't have any problems with crossplay when only men get the costumes that cover their legs/thighs, and only THEY get the interesting costume designs. -..- It's making me more depressed just thinking about it!

I mean.. I have very few rules, but they are important ones.

1) It has to be from something I like, and I have to at least read/watched/played a good enough chunk of it to know the plot and the characters.

2) It has to be something I feel I can "pull off." In other words, I need to find something I think could possibly look flattering on me. I won't make something that I know ahead of time that would make me feel self conscious, or I know I would feel bad about wearing.. or I know the photos afterwards would make me want to gouge my eyes out. Seriously? Let's save all of that for after I see the pictures and hate how everything turned out, yo.

That's pretty much it. But I haven't found any female super heroes that meet those two criteria. Of the series I like, the vast majority of the girls wear things too skimpy for me that show off large ammounts of thigh and don't give me any sorts of options. OF the very very few that remain, (and I'm pretty much just thinking of Delirium and Death from Sandman,) I don't match the body types enough for me to feel like I would look good in any of those costumes.

Right now, I'm thinking about maybe doing a Dream/Morpheus costume from the Yoshitaka Amano-illustrated story, "The Dream Hunters." It looks like it's mostly a bodysuit, though, which doesn't give me much wiggle room. It is mostly black, though. I might be able to make it work, and you guys know that Amano style stuff is right up my alley. I haven't really decided, though, because I'm too worried about the bodysuit component of this costume. I would also have to make a specialized corset just for this costume to give me the shape I'm looking for. I'm not looking for waist reduction, but chest compression and straight lines, and with the bodysuit, I think it might be the best way to go for good lines. I don't know. Part of me wants to make a lot of stuff right now, and the other, emo part of me makes me want to mope around and not do anything and think about how I fail at life.

The eternal struggle, I tell ya!

Anyway, I'm back to hosting panels and judging again I think. I still need to submit my panel for AnimeFEST, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to that one. Going to probably bring Hikaru, Kefka, Kyoko, and a new costume. Maybe Yukiko. I'm thinking about getting my hair cut really short, so I don't think I'll be able to wear Marie again anytime soon without a wig. It's all still up in the air, but I really need to start thinking about the fall convention season now. Someone wanted to talk to me about a commission, too, and I'm really not sure since I've had such bad experiences in the past. I'll try to update more often for anyone that still uses LJ