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23 December 2008 @ 06:18 pm
:(  
So I don't really like Christmas. Call me Scroogy Mc.Scroogepants, but I don't look forward to it. If it's a time for family, I missed that boat. Everyone in my family is too spread out. I don't feel like I have anything in common with most of them anyway, so really.. it's just a time of stress for me where I feel obligated to try and buy gifts for people I don't feel connected to that I only see a few times a year.. and for the ones that I do see often, I rarely have some amazing epiphany about what I should get them. I ran out in a panic to try to find somthing for Matt's parents today. His dad isn't travelling down, but his mom is, and I wanted to get them each somthing to open. Matt's going back to work today, so I've been shopping all by myself. It's like this magical time if the year where you are supposed to feel... somthing... and I don't feel anything :/

I know some of you really hate Family Guy, but there's a christmas episode where the mom says somthing like "You think Christmas cheer just happens??? It comes out of my holly jolly ass!"
I don't decorate the house really, and we don't have family over, so I can't say it's really the same at all, but at the same time, I totally understand this. We don't have the tree up this year because it's just too depressing for me to think about putting it up all by myself. We used to put it up together with mom and my brothers, but as we got older, there were fewer and fewer people that helped decorate. Now that I'm married and in our own place.. if I want a tree, I have to put it all together all by myself. The last time I did it, I just felt so depressed. This year I just didn't put it up.. and I almost felt like I had to because family was coming up to visit.

Mom wasn't able to make it up this year, so I decided if it was just going to be three of us, I wasn't going to put the tree up.
Since I'm still swimming in extra christmas lights from when we got married, I was thinking about breaking some moer of them out and stringing them up around the place, but I just don't feel like it.

I got a package in from Mom yesterday with baklava and some chocolate-dipped coconut macaroons and cookies, etc. It was awesome. Matt doesn't like coconut, so the macaroons are all mine! I was telling my gym partner about how excited I was that the Christmas goodies had come in, etc, when one of the trainers is like "OH NO YOU CAN'T EAT THAT" :/
She's also the one that's said "It's no wonder you arn't losing any weight here because you go home and sit on the couch. You're a housewife. You won't lose any weight here."
Once a year, we'd have baklava and home made fudge and all sorts of christmas goodies. It was the one day a year we were told we could pig out on sweets and have a great time not eating real food. Does she think I just buy boxes of godaiva and sit on the couch moaning and rolling arund in melted chocolate? I know this stuff is not good for me. I didn't exactly bust open the box and eat it all at once.. goddamn. I already feel like a pig like.. all the time already. I want my little box of christmas cheer and familial nostalgia without people making me feel like shit about it.

Last year, my grandparents gave my brother& I home made christmas cookies. It was also awesome, but as soon as my dad saw me taking them to the car, he told me to throw them away as soon as I got to the hotel.

Seriously.. my life is fucked up enough already. I don't need this. Delicious food is made to be eaten, and while I have a problem with my weight that is no small secret (fatjokelol) people must think I just go home and sit in the closet sucking down sticks of butter. Really, Let me be happy about the ONE time a year I get home made cookies. I don't go out to the store and just buy packages of cookies.
Let me be happy about the ONE time a year I get baklava. I don't care if it's just butter and sugar and carbs. I don't eat baklava ANY OTHER TIME.
I want to be able to enjoy these little things while I still have the time. I already never see my family. I don't want people giving me shit about enjoying these little things while everyone is still alive.

More and more, I feel like finding out what that woman's work schedule is and making sure I don't show up when she is there. I'm not lying to myself saying I will ever have a nice body again, but if I come away from the gym feeling like shit, I'm not going to want to go back. And really, what's worse for me?
 
 
 
1sheep: wtf1sheep on December 24th, 2008 12:50 am (UTC)
That's exactly how I feel about the doctors and people at the hospital who tell me to just get a job so I don't sit around the house and get depressed.... don't they think that I would still have a job if I hadn't QUIT BECAUSE I WAS TOO FUCKING SICK?

T____T

I know EXACTLY how you feel, and they are dicks and should STFU.
HIDE your facekyonomiko on December 24th, 2008 01:53 am (UTC)
It's really horribly circular.. and once you fall in, it's hard to get out. What bugs me is that other people don't nessesarily see that everything you do is just the best you can do to cope with the way things are.. whether or not it helps.. so it's easy for them to say "Well, obviously everything about the way you are living your life is wrong"

I'm afraid sometimes it sounds like i'm just whining all the time in my journal, but I always feel so much better after getting it off my chest.

PS... I've always wondered.. what is that weird red thing in your icon? D:
Nerdy Temptressbevo on December 24th, 2008 02:20 am (UTC)
She thinks she is hot shit because she works at a gym..and old lady gym..but a gym none the less. Don't let her get to you. I say that you eat your baklava and enjoy it. Its once a year..and the lady shouldn't be so judgmental..its not her place..she doesn't know you personally. Its X-mas and its totally that one holiday a year where you can eat sweets. You are not a fat pig..so get that idea out of your head! you have a hot ass and hot boobs...so fuck anyone who says differently!!!!
HIDE your facekyonomiko on December 24th, 2008 06:16 am (UTC)
Part of me wanted to come home and eat the whole batch at once out of spite!!! >:O But I didn't :X
Makoto: rebecca-chan ganbare!kinomakoto on December 24th, 2008 03:29 am (UTC)
OMG! Saying you shouldn't be excited about CHRISTMASTIME GOODIES, that's just evil. Evil and wrong. Throw oreos at them. x_x
HIDE your face: disgaea2kyonomiko on December 24th, 2008 06:13 am (UTC)
baaaklaavaaaaaa
(Anonymous) on December 24th, 2008 01:54 pm (UTC)
Goodies
Becky, if it weren't so expensive to ship, I would send you some cookies this year. And I have been eating them. Not good for me either, but like you said it's once a year. Wish you were closer, we are having the whole crew over on Friday. That is if we don't get snowed in again. There is so much snow here, no one knows where to go with it anymore.
Enjoy your holiday and forget what others say.
Grandma B
(Anonymous) on December 24th, 2008 07:18 pm (UTC)
goodies
Don't worry, I didn't send you so much that you would gain gobs of weight eating it. It was only a taste really. The key to Christmas is making your own traditions which change over time because people change.

Love ya!!!!
Mom
HIDE your facekyonomiko on December 25th, 2008 06:55 am (UTC)
Re: goodies
Exactly! Between the two of us, what we have will still last about a week if we don't pig out >:O And I can't believe this skinny ass trainer brings it upon herself to tell me I can't have a chocolate chip cookie the way I remember them tasting when I don't go out and buy tons of chipsahoy or whatever.
puppyfuu: Neofloppuppyfuu on December 24th, 2008 10:44 pm (UTC)
You're already married, so who do you gotta impress (as long as the hubby is still good, you're good)
You're gonna die of SOMETHING, so why worry about one thing any more than any thing else?

But more than anything, I say if you wanna lose weight, just put that desire into more effort, and if you wanna eat sweets, then do that. And if you wanna do both, the do both. Ten years from now maybe science will learn sugar kills cancer or something like that. *shrug*